Why Parents Need Friends (and why we need to put our own well-being first, sometimes)
Mom guilt is bad for your kids and other reflections about what parents tend to give up for their kids and why these sacrifices hurt their kids.
Hello Bar-setters!
This morning I had the best workout I’ve had in months! I ran faster, longer, and with less effort than I can remember. I didn’t sleep particularly well and was up a tad earlier than I’d have liked. But I had an X factor on my side. This morning, I worked out with a friend. I had forgotten how nice that is.
Forgotten Priorities
Most parents would be deeply concerned if their children did not have friends. We see friendships and social immersion as among the most essential things in our kids’ lives. But we too often forget that friendship is just as important for us adults.
I recently read an excellent article from Robert K. Henderson on the importance of friendship.
The whole thing is wonderful, but one excerpt in particular caught my attention:
Despite their importance for our health and happiness, despite the fact that we often want to spend more time with friends, they are often relegated to the bottom of our to-do list. The sociologist Dalton Conley has pointed out that today, college-educated Americans spend more time with their children and at work than their parents did. “So what else have we given up,” Conley asks, “besides sleep? We’ve given up friendship.”
No Time for Friends
According to American time use surveys referenced by Dr. Jonathan Haidt, American mothers now spend almost twice as many hours per week caring for their kids as they did in 1992.
This trend comes in spite of the fact that mothers are now more likely to work than they were in 1992.
More still, it comes in spite of the fact that modern fathers also spend far more hours each week with their children. I go to my kids’ rooms to read and say goodnight to them every night. My father didn’t even know which room was mine. This trend is consistent with most of my peers.
In all honesty, my dad was quite present, influential, and loving, but the point I’m making is that our expectations have changed. Something in society makes modern parents believe that they must forgo any endeavor that could possibly prevent them from lavishly supporting their children.
It tells us that time spent investing in our own health, in friendships, in personal recreation, in family dinners, or in personal sanity is disposable.
It is a luxury…
It is evidence that you aren’t fully committed to your kids…
… that you are somehow a less committed parent.
I’ve heard moms describe this as mom guilt…
They can’t go to that Yoga class on Saturday morning, or skip that random kids’ birthday party so that they can meet a friend for lunch, or refrain from scheduling kids activities on every weekend and weekday evening. They can’t do these things because, in their head, that would be unfair to their kids.
Social proof drives this. We see all the other parents and all the other kids living this way and we presume we need to as well. To not sacrifice every semblance of a personal life is to, somehow, fail your kid.
Every once in a while we may make an attempt to prioritize our own sanity—to invest in our health, our hobbies, and our friendships. But this almost always invites that creeping feeling that you are not doing enough for your kids.
To be clear, I believe in pouring into your kids. I believe in intentional parenting. I think youth sports are great. And I know that there are a lot of other factors at play here, like the fact that modern parents don’t just let their kids go out to play like they parents used to do. That’s an issue for another time.
My point is that, for parents, making time for friendships, health, etc. is tough. But we should do it for ourselves and our children. Because sacrificing your life at the altar of your children is not good for them and it is not good for you.
Your Kids Need You to Have Other Priorities
Helicopter parenting. Bulldozer parenting. Concierge parenting. Whatever you want to call it. It is rampant. And it is horrible for our kids.
Children are not benefited by thinking they are the center of the universe. It makes them selfish, lazy, and less likable. It teaches them to expect others to bend the world to their whims because their parents did this for them. It creates unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of the world.
Our kids need to see us as people who have passions, ambitions, and needs just like them. This is among the first steps in helping them to cultivate empathy and care for others. More still, our kids need to see that we can thrive as adults, or they will never want to be adults.
If kids do not see us having friends and playing pickleball, they are less likely to grow into adults that have friends and play pickleball.
If kids do not see us reading, working out, and making family dinner, they will not grow up and be readers who work out and make family dinners.
If kids do not see that adults can thrive and live rich lives, they won’t want to grow up.
When I was young, my friends and I all yearned for the independence, respect, and capacity that we equated with adulthood. But why would you want to be an adult if all you ever saw was that adults were stressed out, frustrated, and that they had no purpose outside of their kids.
This is one of the reasons that so many kids today don’t grow up. They don’t get driver’s licenses, they don’t leave home, and they don’t become the sort of admirable people that make our world better.
What’s More Important than Making Your Kids Happy?
In my book, I argue that the reason modern parents organize their entire world around whims of their children is because society at large has lost the sense that there are higher ideals that we should all sacrifice for:
Today’s parents came of age in this very individualistic world. After years of aimless self-obsession, they had children and sought a sense of meaning through their new role as a parent. They once were lost, but now are found. This can be wonderful, but without any other deeply held values, it often creates a sort of child worship where the point of parenting becomes pleasing one’s child-god and dreaming up evermore extravagant offerings. Youth culture grows hollower and more individualistic as these parents put the immediate desires of their children above any higher ideals.
This creates a phenomenon where today’s parents often operate as a pseudo public relations firm for their children. When Junior throws tantrums, he’s far more likely to be rewarded than disciplined. When he cheats or forgets a school assignment, he’s more likely to have his behavior defended.
Likewise, sports lose their focus on discipline, physical vitality, and learning to sacrifice for a team. They become an arena for individual self-promotion. Rather than helping kids understand that they need to play the position where their team needs them, parents lobby coaches to meet the child’s wants. They work to ensure that he gets the number he wants, the position he wants, sufficient playing time, and ample individual recognition at the banquet. The team becomes an elaborate presentation, bent to satisfy the individual desires of each of its participants and their parents.
We have developed societies of more comfort, convenience, and efficiency than the world has ever seen. But this only seems to deter authenticity, connection, and the sense that kids should contribute to something beyond than themselves. No amount of abundance can fill the spiritual void.
I want my children to grow up and to be surrounded by great friendships and a web of connections that support them. I want them to pour into the people around them and to develop close, authentic relationships. And the best thing I can do to support these goals is probably to model the same in my life.
Friendships are special things, but they require a lot of investment. I’ve had many friendships evaporate because I got too busy to tend to them. Sometimes that is inevitable. Sometimes it is even necessary. But too often friendships wither because we forget how important they are.
Thank you for reading and sharing!
If you liked this vein, here are some related articles:
And here is another great post related to adult friendship:
Carry the Fire!
Shane
Reading this I couldn’t help but think of the deep dive I’ve been doing lately on Gordon Neufeld’s theory of attachment as the primary survival driver in children. Your article here and the one from Dec 6 could almost be picked up and placed over that lattice for a perfect fit. Thanks for the good read!