The Most Influential Thing Parents Can Do (even more influential than your model)
The flaws in our nurture assumption, the power of peer culture, and the practical implications parents can draw to amplify their impact.
Hello, good people! A couple years ago, I stumbled upon a book with a terrifying premise...
Parents, You Might Have Less Influence Than You Think
We all know that the major drivers of human development are nature and nurture. But most of us wrongly equate nurture with how parents raise their children. Parenting matters, to be sure. But it doesn’t tell the whole nurture story. In fact, according to psychologist Judith Richard Harris’s book, The Nurture Assumption, our children’s peers, the predominant beliefs and behaviors of those peers, and the broader peer culture will have more influence on our children than we do as parents.
As Harris writes:
“… I no longer believe that this early learning, which in our society generally takes place within the home, sets the pattern for what is to follow. Although the learning itself serves a purpose, the content of what children learn may be irrelevant to the world outside their home. They may cast it off when they step outside as easily as the dorky sweater their mother made them wear.“
Whether we like it or not, our kids’ peers and the norms of the community around us will likely influence our kids as much or more than we do.
That’s a bit terrifying. If you stop to look at the outcomes our current culture and youth development norms are creating—the enormous increases in obesity and mental health disorder, the propensity for high-schoolers to passively scroll away the majority of their free waking hours, the lost yearning for adult agency, the stunning fragility, and the tendency for today’s young adults to never find a purpose bigger than themselves—it is terrifying to think that environment matters more than we do.
This is, perhaps, the fire that most stirs me. It isn’t enough to try to do things differently than other parents. You have to account for the environment around your child.
Still, I want to be careful not to slip into fatalism. My point in recognizing this reality is to point to the important practical implications that parents should consider. A few examples to make these implications more obvious…
A Tale of Two Schools
Imagine you have a high schooler who goes to a normal school—one where most people do not study…
He will think he is working hard if he turns in his work and reads over his notes for ten-minutes before a test (because, comparable to his peers, he is working hard).
By contrast, imagine you have a high schooler who goes to an academically rigorous school…
The other kids at this school tend to eat dinner with their families. They discuss the world and how it works. Parents ask their kids about school. They discuss what the kids are learning and show enough interest to make connections between these academic topics and daily life.
Homes have bookshelves.
Parents read every day.
When your kid goes to that school, he will think it is normal to study for a couple hours for every test. He will think that adults are expected to know historical themes and to understand basic geopolitical dynamics and, thus, he will aspire to this. He will think it is normal to read. He won’t equate learning with nerdiness—in fact, he’ll think it is a prerequisite to being interesting, funny, and competent.
Lifestyles of the New Rich
Imagine you have a middle school student who goes to public school…
All of her friends will have a smartphone. They will all bring it to school. They will text each other and comment on each other’s social media throughout class. When teachers or other adults ask a student to put his or her phone away, they will usually not be apologetic. Rather, they will look at that adult like he has a problem. The student will be back on his phone again within minutes.
Many of their teachers will try to incorporate students’ phones into classroom activities in order to be hip and to spice their lessons up. Many teachers will also flippantly scroll through their phones throughout class. Most kids will wear earbuds and scroll through their phones as they walk through the halls. Throughout the majority of lunch, they will scroll through their phone intermittently showing posts, TikTok videos, or memes to friends. Then, they will go home and have constant access to their phones and other screens.
When your kid goes to that school, she will think you are crazy for not giving her a smartphone until high school. She will think you are crazy when you set screen limits and monitor phone use with the Screentime app. She will think it is insane that she can’t take her phone in her bedroom and that she has to charge it at a family charging station.
By contrast, imagine your kid goes to school in Silicon Valley…
She will attend a school that is intentionally low-tech. The parents who make our tech, demand this. The parents who make our tech, set the strictest limits. Bill and Melinda Gates, for example, did not allow their kids to have a smartphone until high-school. Steve Jobs did not allow his kids to use the iPad in his home. James Steyer, the CEO of Common Sense Media, does not allow kids to have smartphones until they enter high school, and only then with significant limits. Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel only allows his kids (ages four and three) 90 minutes of screen time per week. Tech expert and former editor of Wired Magazine, Chris Anderson, does not allow kids to have a phone until the summer before high school. He established this and a host of other tech rules.
If your daughter attends this Silicon Valley school, she will attend classes where focus is expected and promoted. She will think it is normal to put limits on her tech so that she can focus and produce higher quality work. She will understand this to be essential for success, particularly in the modern world.
An Inequality of Values
Imagine you have an elementary student who goes to public school…
The cafeteria will almost exclusively serve sweets and heavily processed industrial foods—foods that could not have existed until very recently in human history—foods that that were engineered to stoke excessive consumption—foods that humans were not made to eat.
Imagine you have an elementary student that goes to a wealthy private school, like the one pictured here.
Yup, those are carrots…
The cafeteria lunch will feature nothing but real, whole foods. It will seem normal to eat real, whole foods and to make health a top priority. Kids will still have treats, but they will understand that these are treats and, as such, that they will be a deviation from the daily norm. They will grow up healthier and expend far less energy battling poor health habits. They will feel in control of their eating. They will tend to live longer and feel better. They’ll have more energy, feel more confident, and be more likely to take on hobbies that promote deep connection and vitality.
What’s the Point
The world is changing fast. What worked in your upbringing may not work for your kids. It might not even be working for you.
The standard model that we’ve been taught to follow is a roadmap to limited mindsets, stubborn habits, and regret. So, you should put a high value on finding the right subcultures.
Think about what you value and where you can find more people who share those values. Think about where your desired behaviors are already normal. Think about how you could potentially shift how you allocate resources. An example to make this more clear…
I recently visited my best friend, Justin Lind, in Southern California. As we drove through an old apartment complex in Santa Monica, he mentioned that a studio in this location probably costs $3,000 a month. That blew my mind. The people who live in Santa Monica are not all wealthy. But they have decided that living near the beach in California was enough of a value for them that they would make it work. Whether they add roommates, add a side-hustle, or cut other common expenses like owning a car, they find a way to live where they want to live.
Similarly, you might find that it is a worthwhile investment to place your son or daughter in a subculture where people already share your values (a church, a summer camp, a live online learning cohort, a private school, etc.).
It might be the case now that paying for college is a less valuable investment than ever before but paying for early education is more valuable because it allows you to upgrade what your children find to be normal. Perhaps this is not an idea you will consider. In that case, you might want to work to create change in your local community.
I’ve put a lot of energy into doing just that. I have many presentations that you are free to take advantage of at my parent resources page. In addition to these, you can see the school proposal I wrote last year which helped spur more recess and health education, and less tech at the elementary level. Most of the changes I proposed were not adopted, but some were. At the very least, writing that proposal got the ball moving.
It is an interesting time to raise kids. In many ways, it could be the best time ever if we’re willing to think differently. But it’s also a confusing time, which causes many to freeze and default. A far better approach is to act, despite the uncertainty, and then adapt based on the feedback you get.
When in doubt, act and adapt. That is a model your children will come to appreciate.
Thank you for reading today and sharing with anyone who you think would find this valuable.
Have a wonderful week. Life is too short to be normal!
Shane