Parenting in a Nutshell

Clarifying priorities by identifying the first principles of parenting. And, a look at the underlying forces that cause the "overprovide/overprotect" youth development paradigm?

Hello good people!

Parenting is about a lot of things… Love. Protection. Support. Perhaps most of all, parenting is about helping kids to mature.

Today I want to look at what maturity means and why it may be more important to cultivate maturity now than ever before. Onward!

The Shifting Parenting Pendulum

All parents must balance the often-conflicting demands of providing and protecting, on one hand, and helping children become capable, self-dependent, and purpose-driven, on the other. As I explain in chapter 2 of Setting the Bar, modern parenting is characterized by excessively providing and protecting:

We all want to be good models and raise good people… The issues stem from bad metrics. The priority of parenting has moved to the extreme of providing and protecting at the expense of important considerations like creating capable, purpose-driven people who are inclined to contribute to something greater than themselves.

Providing and protecting are essential responsibilities up to a certain threshold. If a young child has no food and wanders crime-ridden streets, then remedying these challenges is the priority. However, creating capable, values-driven people is also the parent’s duty. Once primary needs are met, this should become the overwhelming parental priority. The parenting pendulum has swung too far towards coddling and is in desperate need of rebalancing. 

Much of this is the consequence of affluence. We are at a unique point in history where our communities can continue to survive and even prosper without depending on the efforts and competency of most citizens. In fact, progress, as it is typically defined, tends to focus on stoking even greater levels of consumption. Unfortunately, that guiding priority is a death sentence to the human spirit.

Source: WALL-E, Disney and Pixar

As parents, educators, and adults, we have to help the next generation become capable of navigating a world of incessant temptation. We have to help them become capable of utilizing the magic of modernity without being used by it. That is the number one priority of youth development today.

A life of no pain and constant pleasure might sound nice, but it is a recipe for hollow despair. We must live for something greater than our own immediate gratification. Maturity is the only path to lasting passion and fulfillment.

Maturity in a Nutshell: 

You will want to give in to every impulse. You will want to be a slothful, selfish, gluttonous, impulsive drain on the world. That sounds harsh, but it is human nature.

Every toddler wants more sugar, more presents, and to never share or sacrifice. Too many adults aren’t a lot better… and they are robbed of happiness because these impulses still dominate them. 

You must become capable of overriding your base impulses when they do not serve you. Maturity is the capacity to identify larger ideals that are worth sacrificing for and to override your impulses on behalf of those larger ideals.

Philosopher, investor, and entrepreneur Naval Ravikant frames this challenge in terms of building habits that focus on long term happiness rather than short term happiness.

Short term happiness habits tend to feel good in the moment but lead to greater pain over time. These are habits and compulsions like eating sugary foods, watching porn, and mindlessly scrolling social media. By contrast, long term happiness habits, like reading, exercising, and spending time outdoors, are the opposite. Long term happiness habits are comprised of behaviors that aren’t impulsive. These behaviors are harder to start. But when done habitually, these behaviors stoke confidence, energy, and greater long term happiness.

Parenting in a Nutshell: 

Your kids will want to learn all sorts of great skills and to become more like their heroes.

But they will also want to give in to every impulse. They will want to be slothful, selfish, gluttonous, impulsive drains on the world.

You must help your kids become capable of overriding those impulses so that they are capable of finding long term happiness. Your job is to make your kids capable of thriving and self-actualizing. Some rules of thumb:

1. When your kids are very young, don’t let them be a slothful, selfish, gluttonous, impulsive drain on the world. You can help by crafting your environment so that there are fewer impulse traps. 

2. Clarify an inspiring ideal that makes your kids aspire to become something greater than they currently are. In other words, keep the heroic ideal alive for them. 

3. As your kids age, explain to them why you set the limits, boundaries, and expectations that you did. Bring them into a partnership with a shared mission: to promote the greatest long term thriving and to put them on the road to self-actualization.

---

Thank you very much for reading! Please share with anyone who you think would enjoy!

Carry the fire!

Shane