We're Too Good at Finding Excuses for Kids
The biggest gift we give our kids might be what we expect from them and how we deal with life's inevitable unfairnesses.
Hello Bar-setters!
Kyle Maynard’s legs end at his knees and his arms end at his elbows. He was born with a rare condition called congenital amputation. When Kyle was two his father decided that the family would stop helping him eat. If Kyle was going to someday live on his own and have a full life, then he’d have to start finding ways to overcome his disability. He began using a prosthetic spoon and later a knife and fork.
This approach came to characterize Maynard’s upbringing, even when his grandmother watched him. As Maynard explains:
“My Grandma Betty had this dark green jar she used to ask me to get sugar out of, except the catch was, as an amputee, I used both arms to grip things, and I could only fit one arm inside the jar. I’d sit there for hours, repeatedly failing to balance the scoop on my one arm. I’d get it right to the edge then lose it. After 50 more tries, I’d get it back near the top before I’d lose it again. Eventually, and sometimes to my surprise, I’d succeed. It not only helped with my dexterity and focus, but it also helped build my will.”
Maynard would go on to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and Mount Aconcagua, win two Espys for his efforts as a mixed-martial-arts fighter, and become a best-selling author and entrepreneur who commands thousands of dollars per speaking engagement.
What separates him from others is not that he was innately gifted, but that he was especially lacking in physical gifts. He had more cause to pity himself than most could dream. Yet he had the fortune of growing up in a family that chose to teach lessons rather than reinforce obvious excuses. By having to face more adversity, he had more opportunity to grow willpower—perhaps the most trainable and important quality for success in the modern world.
Teaching Kids They’re Weak
Mindset is the greatest human superpower. The best gift we can give our kids is a belief in their power to overcome obstacles and to handle what life throws at them. Yet our world seems intent upon programming our kids to have the weakest mindset possible. We seem intent upon convincing children that they are weaker, more fragile, and less capable than they are. This is most apparent in the way many parents make excuses for kids.
For example, I once had a student who was skipping my last period weight-training class. I called his parents and informed the attendance office. The next day, the young man was in class, but he was exceptionally pouty. He tried to put his earphones in, so I asked him to take them out. Shortly after, I saw him doing an exercise incorrectly and I went to correct his technique. He just stared at me with disgust. Clearly, it was time for me to set him straight.
I pulled him aside and explained my expectations, in detail. I told him the body language I expected from him, the way I expected him to communicate when I spoke with him, the attitude, effort, and conduct I would expect from him going forward, and the consequences he could expect if these standards weren’t met. I was careful to explain my rationale for these expectations and why they were to his benefit.
The next day, this young man’s mother reached out to tell me that I’d hurt his feelings. She explained that he was skipping because his back hurt, which she seemed to believe justified his behavior. There was no acknowledgment that he should be responsible for telling me about his back pain or that skipping was not acceptable. In her mind, I was the only one responsible.
Despite her low standards, this young man has worked exceptionally hard since our discussion. He now understands my line and he doesn’t test it. More still, we have developed a good relationship. And he’s never complained about back pain since. When I ask him how his back feels, he tells me it is great.
Over the past decade, I’ve experienced this same sequence of events more times than I can remember. A young adult crosses the line. I address their failure to meet my standards. Sometimes the parents feel the need to make excuses for them. But, after I clarify my standards and my reasoning, the young-adult begins to work much harder and we start to get along really well.
Modern adults are very good at finding excuses for kids. Usually, this comes from a well-intentioned desire to protect their kids from hardship and to show that they understand their frustrations. But, whether we understand why are kids are behaving a certain way or not, we must be careful to teach them the right lessons.
Parents who make lots of excuses for their children instill in them an excuse-oriented, unfairness seeking mindset. This is among the worst things you could do to someone.
In the process of looking for every hint of unfairness, kids learn to limit themselves and to have unrealistic expectations.
The mind is a solution-seeking organ. If you tell it to find a way, it will.
But, likewise, if you tell it to find an excuse, it will.
If you tell it to find how unfair something is, or why you shouldn’t have to do something you don’t want to do, the mind will find that.
Take Home Message
Your disposition and your expectations about what it will take to get you where you want to go are turly the core of not getting frustrated by the task at hand. Expect it to be hard.
—Nick Saban, How Good Do You Want to Be?
People who take responsibility for themselves are happier and more successful.
Children learn to take responsibility for themselves when the adults in their lives teach and expect this from them.
People who believe in their capacity to overcome adversity are happier and more successful.
Children gain this confidence from repeatedly facing adversity.
We should give our kids these gifts.
Thank you for reading and sharing!
Carry the fire!
Shane