The Ultimate Gift-Giving Guide for Parents
A look at what gifts open doors for your kids and what gifts tend to slam them shut.
This is a re-post of an article that I like to send before the post-Thanksgiving shopping blitz. It is a timely follow up to my post from last week:
Hello Bar-setters!
Happy Thanksgiving! This might be my favorite week of the year. November is gorgeous, Thanksgiving is delicious, and, unlike what comes next, everything is relatively low pressure and simple. Be grateful, play football, and feast with people you love.
But, alas, the season of gifts is around the corner and the gifts you give your kids really do matter. It isn’t talked about enough, but our purchases have the power to open doors for our children, or, perhaps more commonly, they can slam doors shut. I’ll look at the latter, first, and then shift to the type of gifts that can open doors.
Gifts You Might Regret
These presents may radically alter the trajectory of your kids’ lives. They tend to make your kids less active, less social, less healthy, less likely to read, and less likely to take an interest in more fruitful pursuits.
Smartphone:
The most obvious example of a gift that closes doors for your kids is the smartphone. As a mother told me this past year, the day I gave my child a smartphone is the day I lost them. It might be the day their friends lose them too. 12th graders in 2015 were going out less often than 8th graders in 2009.
As tech-lover and former editor of Wired magazine said of smartphones and tablets:
“On the scale between candy and crack cocaine, it’s closer to crack cocaine…
We thought we could control it, and this is beyond our power to control. This is going straight to the pleasure centers of the developing brain. This is beyond our capacity as regular parents to understand.”
The smartphone is simply Pandora’s box. When you give your kid a smartphone you’re giving all the most brilliant companies in the world the ability to compete for your child’s attention and to track their every move. You’re giving your kid access to an infinite world of digital content (see this amazing piece from 16-year-old, Isabel Hogben) and to everyone in the world who has a device. You’re allowing your son or daughter’s view of the world to be shaped by whatever outrageous content breaks through in a world where everyone's competing for attention.
When adolescents get a smartphone they have a tendency to stop living in the real world. At some point, it will be time for their smartphone learner’s permit. But, as I’ve argued many times I recommend waiting until high school. Even then, make sure you have fantastic boundaries in place. For more on boundaries, you can see the 12 rules for kids and screens that Tim Anderson uses in his home.
Video game systems:
Video games might be okay if you enforce strict limits and boundaries. But I’ve met too many young men who openly admit that, if they could, they would do nothing but play video games all day. Video games exploit men’s desire for distinction, strength, and fellowship. Meeting those needs might sound like a good thing, but it means boys will be less likely to funnel that energy towards pursuits that might grow and mature them.
To give you an idea of the potential long term consequences, one study found that 75% of women who were married to gamers “...wished their husband would spend less time gaming and more time being an active part of the relationship and that the constant gaming usually led to arguments.” It is important to keep in mind that we are forming adults and our purchases might have implications on the type of husbands, fathers, wives, and mothers our kids become.
Televisions:
Unlike the smartphone and tablet, the television often facilitates in-person social connection. When my wife and I watch Yellowstone, we are sharing an experience. We react together and that experience works its way into conversation, inside jokes, etc. But when you give your kid a television for their bedroom, that is just one more thing pulling him or her to isolates from the family. More still, it increases the likelihood of incessant television consumption, and virtually ensures they’ll be in worse health. As sleep expert, Dr. Craig Canapari writes:
If you met me at a party, and wanted to know my best single piece of advice to keep your child from having sleep problems, here it is:
If your child has technology (television, computers, smartphones, tablets, video game systems) in his room at night, TAKE IT OUT.
If your child does not have technology in his room at night, DON’T LET IT IN THERE.
On a related note, if you allow personal televisions, personal computers, smartphones, tablets, etc. in your kids’ room, it is much more likely that they will watch porn earlier, watch porn habitually, and/or exchange inappropriate pictures. The negative consequences to their future relationships and mental health could be quite large.
Tablets:
Tablets combine many of the problems of smartphones, televisions, and video games. There is a reason that Steve Jobs outlawed the iPad in his own home, as did Chris Anderson who calls them “…gaming crack.” Smartphones and computers are a “some day” reality, but giving your kid a tablet is a headache that is better avoided altogether.
Full disclosure: my wife and I have work iPads that we allow our kids to watch movies on during plane trips. In case of emergency, break glass.
Slides, flip-flops (& any shoe that kids do not walk naturally in):
When I give presentations to parents, one of the first things I like to show them is videos of high school students walking. Odd, right?
Most of us have no idea how radically our bodies are changed by the shoes that we decide to wear and the frequency with which we wear shoes. This is under-appreciated…
There is no way to avoid having compromised, dysfunctional movement if you spend years walking around in flip flops, slides, crocs, or other shoes with no back. “Slides” are the worst. Kids who wear slides tend to slide their feet across the ground. The toes lose flexion because they never bend. The arches collapse. Then they further deform their feet by shoving them into shoes that are too narrow and have an elevated heel. The toes lose strength and natural function. Posture collapses. Glutes stop firing. Natural movements become painful. Future health becomes less likely.
The body is brilliantly made. Too many of us presume pain and poor health are characteristic of adulthood. That is what appears to be normal. But this is only normal because our environment is built to promote unhealthy patterns rather than human thriving. Being uptight about footwear might seem weird, but I would go to great lengths to preserve the natural physical gifts children come into the world with.
The Most Important Principle of Behavioral Influence
There is a unifying theme here. The environments we put our children into matter. Think about the activities your home environment will promote. You want to make it easier and more appealing for your kids to do the activities that you think are worthwhile. You want to make it harder to do the activities that are less nourishing, especially when the world-at-large promotes them.
Gifts Ideas that May Open Up New Possibilities
There are more options here than I could list, but the underlying principle is fairly straightforward. Ask yourself:
What purchases might be a portal to new worlds?
What gifts might inspire new passions or pour fire onto a current one?
What gifts might lead to the development of skills that open up your kids’ minds and their future possibilities?
Here are a few of my favorites:
A bounce house:
This was our big gift for the kids when they were four and five. It was under $200 and now every time we have a get-together with friends or family, the kids are far more likely to be outside playing than inside asking to watch a movie. Trampolines serve a similar function. Sure, kids could get hurt while playing, but overprotection is a far greater danger.
A guitar/keyboard/other musical instrument:
Playing music promotes greater musical appreciation, it facilitates future connections with other people, and learning music is a great way to learn the skill of learning a skill (perhaps the most important skill for 21st century success).
A skateboard/scooter/bike, etc.:
My best friend is an avid skateboarder and an engineer for Powell-Peralta skateboards. He is planning a book called Why Skateboarding is Better Than School. When he visited last year, he gave the entire family new boards. I’ve had such a blast playing around on mine this past year. And now, my kids (ages four and five) are starting to figure out how to zoom around too. Outfit your garage with toys like skateboards, scooters, and bikes. They offer a little daily beckon to get outside and get active.
Books:
As the old aphorism goes, “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man that cannot read.”
Reading was the foremost norm in my household growing up. It was never a requirement, but we always received books for Christmas, my parents were always reading, and it seemed like every room had bookshelves full of books. I remember staring at those book cases with a sense of wonder for what might be inside (having maps and globes in the house, sparked a similar curiosity).
Today, I can’t help but read a few books at once. It is among the most important habits of my life, responsible for sparking passions, fueling creativity, and helping me to connect with many kindred spirits. What is more, because I read habitually, it has never seemed like a very large hurdle to read a book in those times when I really wanted or needed to learn about a topic.
Reading related gifts are great too. Think book lights, kindles, Audible memberships, or a good book. And speaking of gifting books… why not gift someone a copy of Setting the Bar?
Experiences:
New possessions are quickly habituated so that they feel normal and we just want more. We can never keep up with the Joneses and there are always more Joneses with different things that we will want. Experiences, by contrast, change us. They expand what we think is possible, highlight new opportunities and perspectives, and spark interests. (And they don’t require you to buy a larger house). The take home point: seek gifts that create experiences.
Travel could fall under this umbrella. I’ve always loved the truism that you can’t have a thick passport and a narrow mind.
But this could also refer to purchases that lead to activities that the family does together. That could be horseback riding lessons, a paintball gift certificate, or board games. My five year old is finally ready for semi-interesting games like Connect Four and Yahtzee. After years of Hungry Hippos and Candy Land, that’s a game changer. For older kids, I love chess, Rummikub, and card games like Loot.
A magic set
Full disclosure, I never practiced magic. But this past week a guy started doing magic tricks for my kids in the super market (amazing to watch) and I was reminded that Tristan Harris credits magic for helping him understand psychological vulnerabilities at a young age. Sounds like this is a great portal for kids to develop an interest in psychology and a knack for performance. They will always have a good ice breaker and a great capacity to look at things from a novel perspective. What a gift!
Health-focused purchases:
Health-focused gifts are most likely for you and your spouse, but I firmly believe that any purchase that makes you healthier is going to be among the best gifts you can ever give your children.
Health items often seem expensive, but they save you money in the long run (fewer hospital bills, etc.). More still, your family’s health is worth paying a tad more for and that begins with your own example.
My favorite health-focused purchase options include:
Levels: You may not be familiar with continuous glucose monitors (CGMs), but this is the game-changer in health awareness. CGMs like Levels sync to an app on your phone, showing you in real time how your blood sugar reacts to food, temperature, sleep, and all the stimuli in your daily life. This is the best way I know to get a personalized view of what foods are healthy for you and how you can improve your health with cold exposure, better foods, sleep, etc. Basically, you will finally know your own body way better than any doctor ever could in her once per year snapshot.
For more on Levels, CGMs, and more, here is an amazing podcast interview with Dr. Casey Means.
Inside Tracker: Expensive, but it gives you an even more thorough look at every component of your personal health. It `even tells you your inner age and gives you advice on how to lower it. So, yeah… this gift could make you younger.
A membership to a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym, a boxing gym, a climbing gym, a yoga studio, or some other niche local gym with a great culture. The most powerful health initiatives leverage social connection. Health-tech is neat, but there are things (like getting more active) that we all know we should do. Choosing the right subculture is probably the best way to do that.
A few kettlebells. Three plus a pull-up bar is a complete home gym. Go here to find the right weights.
Sport lessons. Think tennis, pickleball, fencing, golf, archery, etc.
A wake-up light alarm clock or other sleep tech.
A healthy food subscription.
A subscription for AG1 or my favorite cheaper alternative.
An at home cold plunge or sauna. The health benefits of both heat and cold are overwhelming, but these would be expensive gifts.
Any other really great gift ideas that I overlooked? Let me know.
Thank you for reading and sharing with any kindred spirits who would find this of value.
Carry the fire!