The Real Reason Parents Need a New Year's Resolution
Ruthless honesty, hacking your beliefs, and top principles for successful change
Hello, good people! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas week. We’re now in that interlude between Christmas and New Years where it is common to reflect on the last year, re-evaluate priorities, and commit to new goals.
Many people mock the New Year’s resolution, but I’ve always loved using this time to clarify new habits, routines, rituals, and points of focus. Last year, at this time, I began playing the guitar, I started reading a chapter per day of War and Peace, and I committed to two major projects in my school district. All of those commitments have improved my life over the past year.
I make this point to emphasize that a New Year’s resolution could be a great thing. Regardless of when or why you stop and set new priorities and whether you want to call it a resolution or a semi-annual re-orientation, the best things usually come from times when we reflect on who we are and who we want to be.
Still, there is a reason that New Year’s resolutions are mocked. People rarely follow through. 80% fail by February. And of all the failed resolutions, the most common are those related to health and fitness.
There are many reasons for this. Most notably, people tend to latch on to fads and quick fixes rather than sustainable health changes that are built on the principles of behavior change. I’ve written a lot about that and I’ll link some helpful content at the bottom. But for today, I want to get to the root of that issue.
A Big Enough “Why” For Any “How”
Lately, I’ve been meditating on a quote from Tony Robbins:
The “why” is the most important thing to know – it's where all of the emotional juice and fuel is to help you overcome obstacles. If you have a big enough “why,” you will figure out the “how.”
Start with your “why” is a cliche at this point, but what Robbins says is the plain truth. Success comes down to conviction and belief. I could list off the principles of successful lifestyle change all day, but they will not make a lick of difference unless you are truly committed and you truly believe that you can make the change.
I’ve seen it over and over again. People don’t make a change until they really want to. It’s not enough to kind of want the result, while still resenting that you have to eat differently. Old habits will take back over. But when people finally hit that tipping point where they really, really care, they find a way to be successful. When people really care about something, they find a way.
There are principles of behavior change that can help you make success more likely. But even with the best plan in the world, you will likely have moments where you feel tired, negative, and you want to quit your efforts. Those low moments will spur you to quit unless you’re truly committed.
Furthermore, no plan can account for everything. To be successful, you’ll constantly have to learn, adapt, and re-evaluate. The only way to have sustainable success is to commit with a clear energizing reason that drives you to keep growing. That reason exists.
You have a dang good “why” that is big enough to stir great action…
Your Kids Will Inherit Your Issues
Whatever plagues you is likely to plague your kids. We create our kids’ environment and provide the model they are most likely to follow. Unless you step up to the plate and take control, the thing that sabotages you, will sabotage them. This could be excessive shopping, excessive phone-scrolling, an inactive lifestyle, or poor nutrition. Whatever it is, there is a real reason to do the hard work of becoming the person you want to be.
Let’s get brutally honest. The path we’re billing to our kids as normal is doing serious harm:
Obesity has tripled since 1970 in American youth.
A 2016 Harvard study found that 57% of children between ages 2 and 18 (at the time of the study) would have obesity by the time they were 35. As seen below, that number is now 59%.
The rates of teenage depression doubled for boys and girls between 2010 and 2020.
From 2007 to 2017 suicides among 10-24-year-olds rose 56%.
Emergency room visits for youth suicide attempts or ideation jumped from 580,000 in 2007 to 1.1. Million in 2015.
One in five youth now have a severe mental impairment.
Prior to 2000, annual drug overdoses never reached 20,000. They’ve climbed steadily, eclipsing 91,000 in 2020.
Much of the issue is that we parents were once kids too and we were handed the same broken model that is now being passed on to our kids.
As Dr. James DiNicolantonio put it:
When you constantly feed kids sugar, flour, seed oils and dye in the form of breakfast food or “kids menu”, you are punishing them and putting them on the path of metabolic diseases. We’ve all been there but our parents didn’t know better. You know better! Break the cycle.
Our parents likely did not know any better. But you do. That means it is now your responsibility to respond. That’s a big enough “why” to sustain you through the “how.”
Taking Control of Your Beliefs
Another thing that tends to hold people back is their beliefs. Many people are convinced that living without eating whatever they want or living without TikTok would be a bland, awful life. They get mad and rationalize that impulsivity is the only way to live even though they know deep down that their habits are reeking havoc—sapping their energy, threatening their health, limiting their activity, stealing their attention away from moments of connection. But we rationalize all of that.
No one feels good when they’re older. These are just the normal inevitable pains of getting older.
Eating Cheeto’s and Coco Puffs is just part of being a kid.
My phone habits aren’t really a problem. I just need to try to be on social media a little less.
Changing beliefs is tough. This is why the people who make the greatest changes are often those who have hit rock bottom. People who hit rock bottom know that all those rationalizations they’re telling themselves are just a lie to get them what they want in the moment. They know the truth.
For most people, changing beliefs only happens with enough experience. After you make new habits, you realize how much happier you are. It takes commitment to get enough experience.
It also helps to make connections with people who already behave the way you want to behave and, therefore, already hold the beliefs you want to hold. This is a valuable support system. You can get a mini-version of that support by reading books and listening to podcasts from people who embody the values you desire. If you feed your mind the right ideas, good things will follow.
This may be the best lifestyle change advice I can offer. Make a list of podcasts, books (Audible counts!), and potential groups you could add into your weekly flow to help support your efforts. Habituate this fuel.
More Principles for Success
There are tons of reasons resolutions fail. Here are some of the other top principles for making a successful lifestyle change:
Prune the Environment: Eliminate the temptations and cues that trigger whatever behavior you want to stop. Make it harder to do what you don’t want to do. For example, charge the phone outside of your bedroom. Another is to get rid of sweets from the home. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get ice cream anymore, but ice cream is a treat. It deserves a trip.
Make it easier: Insert cues and manipulate your environment to make your desired actions easier. For example, you could prep healthy lunches every Sunday afternoon and pay for a subscription health service like AG1, Levels, or Peloton.
Employ social accountability: We are social creatures. We would ALL eat healthy and exercise daily if these were the norms in our environment. Find environments that make those things normal and the rest takes care of itself. You can create this with accountability buddies, workout partners, signing up for a workout class, or even just a commitment to your spouse to go on a walk after dinner each night.
Make it fun: This goes with the social accountability bit. I firmly believe exercise should be more play than punishment for most people. Start playing racketball or pickle ball.
Be realistic: Most people are far too aggressive, far too quickly. By starting slow you can build confidence and momentum. This is the brilliance of BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits. Consistency is your number one variable. Work on being consistent, first, in both fitness and nutrition goals.
Be unrealistic: Some people are different, though. Some feel most alive when in the midst of a big challenge. Preparing for something big and scary can be a good kick in the pants. Try a Hyrox race or train for an RKC.
Thank you for reading and sharing with any kindred spirits!
For more on making a behavior change, my friend Justin Lind and I have put together a free e-book titled: Making Changes That Stick
I hope you have a wonderful New Year’s. Life is too short to be normal,
Shane