Should You Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids?
A marriage therapist's unique advice and why it might make more sense than you initially think.
Hello, good people! A few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast interview between Brett McKay and Andrew G. Marshall who has been a marriage therapist for over 30 years. In the interview, Marshall argued that parents are wrong to put their children before their own marriage, stating:
“We put our children before our relationship. We think the children should come first. But, NO! The children sit in the success of the relationship so you need to put the relationship first to really look after your children.”
I’ve often made a similar argument about health. Parents and educators have to make time for their health because this allows them to be better in each moment and to be around for more moments. It makes your time higher quality time and it gives you more time on earth with the ones you love. Similarly, the quality of your marriage has a deep influence on the quality of your parenting.
Even if you have the most amazing spouse in the world (as I do), marriage is very hard. It takes constant work to maintain. But when you have kids, your time, money, and energy are only further depleted. Suddenly it is like you are trying to keep a small business running with your spouse. The kids are young and needy and your spouse is an adult. So it is easy to put that relationship on the back burner.
That is why I think Marshall’s message is so valuable. “The children sit in the success of the relationship…”
The stability of the home is dependent on that success.
The quality of the children’s future relationships will likely mirror their parents’ relationships.
And, as with health habits, the parents' own ability to give quality time and energy is dependent on the quality of their marriage. It is virtually impossible to be happy when your marriage is bad. But when it is good, you have a rock there to support you and build a life with.
No judgment in any of this. Marriage is hard and I’m certainly no expert. As is so often the case, this message is as much for myself as anyone. But I hope you found Marshall’s quote as thought-provoking as I did.
Thank you for reading and sharing with any kindred spirits! Also, just seven more days to grab a hardcover copy of Setting the Bar for only $15.99, which is publishing price.
And I hope you are enjoying this fun, yet sometimes hectic time of year. Take care of yourselves and what matters most. Life is too short to be normal.
Shane