Re-Norming: Please Discipline My Child
Why norms and standards matter, now more than ever.
Hello good people!
This past summer, I had the opportunity to present to other educators on topics ranging from mental health, to physical health, to building a better culture. Among these presentations, the most popular was one I called Mental Health Myth Busting. Today, I will highlight the most pervasive of these mental health myths:
The belief that people are happier in “judgment free” zones where they are free to behave as they wish.
The truth is just the opposite.
Generally, people thrive in places where there are expectations, moral restraints, and where they feel judgment when they violate important norms. I know this is all terribly un-progressive and perhaps a bit counterintuitive, but hear me out.
The Number One Predictor of Suicide
While studying different societies near the turn of the 20th century, the father of sociology, Emile Durkheim, found that the number one predictor of suicide was a lack of social connectivity, a state which he called anomie. As Dr. Jonathan Haidt explains in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis:
Anomie is the condition of a society in which there are no clear rules, norms, or standards of value. In an anomic society, people can do as they please, but without any clear standards… it is harder for people to find anything they want to do.
So, how do we know if a community has high or low levels of anomie? Haidt offers us a barometer:
One of the best predictors of the health of an American neighborhood is the degree to which adults respond to the misdeeds of other people’s children, rather than look the other way. When community standards are enforced, there is constraint and cooperation. When everyone minds his or her own business, there is freedom and anomie.
In short, Haidt is saying that we need the village to help raise our child. But that is becoming more and more rare in our hyper-individualized world. As teachers will attest, correcting another person’s kid is now fraught with the risk that angry parents will take offense.
How dare you talk to my kid that way!
How dare you take my kid’s iPhone!
The New Youth Development Paradigm
We’ve lost the sense that all of the adults have an obligation to help raise all of the kids. Part of the problem is that, after years of community deterioration, we no longer trust our neighbors to do what is best for our kids. I struggle with this, myself. Many today would impose a degree of over-protection on my children’s play that is disruptive to their development. More still, many adults buy into a culture of child-worship and low expectations, which I find unhealthy.
In the absence of common ideals that pull us to override our own self-interest and in the absence of a shared vision of the type of person we want our children to become, a new parenting culture has taken root. This culture tells parents it is their job to always take their child’s side—to remove every obstacle and grant every wish—to mediate every playground dispute, accommodate every preference, and bend the world to their will.
But our job isn’t to fix every problem for every kid. It isn’t to make sure they are always abundantly comfortable.
Our job is to create great people. And that is just not consistent with the predominant youth development paradigm.
You know what is?
This…
Moths to the Flame
Parents have never needed the help of village norms more. With the mass normalization of junk food, the rise of hollow materialism, the availability of constant screen stimulation, and the incessant beckoning of smartphone notifications, the number of itches tugging at our kids’ impulses is greater than ever.
Once-impossible temptations tantalize us and our children. But rather than defend against the hacking of our impulses, modern norms simply confirm that constant consumption is normal. In the absence of a shared ethos of what matters and what is acceptable, the cultural apparatus that should be our defense has become a virus blinding us from the insanity of our current course.
And, lacking that common sense, many of the fruitful behaviors that were once normal are only available to parents with the means and foresight to pay for them. As philosopher Matthew Crawford explains in The World Beyond Your Head:
“… the social jigs once relied on by the middle class have been widely dismantled, in the name of personal autonomy... the disciplinary functions of culture have in fact not been dissolved so much as privatized. They are located less in a shared order of meaning, such as Protestant thrift, parental authority, or injunctions against gluttony, and more in the professional nagging services provided by financial planners, tutors, and personal trainers.”
The Power of Norms
Still, there are vestiges of wisdom that continue to fight the good fight…
Over the past few months, I’ve had the pleasure of working with an unbelievable elementary principal. She’s honest, passionate, and old school. She loves her teachers and students as hard as anyone I’ve ever seen, but if and when they fall short of her expectations, she’s on it.
My son Ace is lucky enough to be a kindergartner at this principal’s school. I caught up with her after his first day and her comments spoke volumes about what makes her so special:
Principal: I sat by Ace for a minute at lunch and I really like him. And you know what? He minds. He got a little cheeky and I just looked at him… and he knew.
Me: Yes, he knows the look and he knows the tone. Give him the look and he listens. I just wish more people would give him the look!
A couple days later I heard another report. This principal had said hi to Ace in the hall and he just kept walking. He’s a tad shy (at first) and my wife and I have been trying hard to teach him how important it is to respond to people, even when he feels uncomfortable. But it is hard to teach this lesson without the support of a village.
Thank goodness, this principal was there to reinforce us. She took off after him and let Ace know that, “When people talk to you, you need to respond. And when you see people you know, it is important to say hi.”
This principal didn’t know that we’d been working with our son on this. She just knew (as every adult once would have) that we should be.
This is the beauty of norms. They are the common sense that facilitates community trust and that helps a community to inculcate fruitful behaviors in their children.
Re-Norming: A Mission to Civilize
It is time to re-norm. It is time to re-establish that sense of good judgment which is the foundation of wise societies—to clarify the behavioral expectations that lead to great lives and great communities.
That will be the goal of this recurring series. I want to explore the norms that deserve to become “common sense” in the 21st century. If you have any thoughts about what some of these might be, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Thank you very much for reading and sharing!
If you’re digging this vein, see chapter 9 of my book, which I titled Judge Thy Neighbor. And to see more about why norms matter more than ever, check out this article.
Carry the fire!
Shane
Bravo! As a grandmother of elementary age children and a parent and parent-in-law of teachers I commend your thinking on this. I started seeing the shift in the 1990's when I was volunteering in my kids classroom. 'Little Johnny' and 'Little Jennifer' could do no wrong and the teachers authority was undermined as parents failed to support and back up the teachers in the classroom. Administrations have also failed teachers by not standing up for what is right. Sadly, in the end it's the kids who lose out.
Very True!